Alessandra ‘Ali’ Pamela Fritz
Mrs. Rademacher-Dramov’s Period Five Class
September Thirteenth, Two Thousand and Five
Alessandra Pamela Fritz. That’s eight syllables. Each separate name in my title gets shorter
as time goes on, as if the person making the whole thing up got impatient and just stuck
whatever the heck they wanted to at the end. I’m okay with that, really. I’m fine with
sloppy work, as long as it gets the point across. I believe my name does that fairly well, all
The first four syllables of my name, according to my mother, mean ‘leader’. I am
only this either when it is necessary or when I feel like having a lot of attention, which is
approximately 97.6% of the time. I enjoy playing with the thought of being important in
the world, or on a smaller scale, wherever I happen to be. However, as of yet, I have not
made as big an impact as I would have liked to by this point. People are not copying my
extreme fashion sense. They are not all following my every word, or for that matter,
following practically anything I say. But hey, you can’t have the entire cheesecake or
you’d get sick and fat.
I remember my mother saying something about a famous actress named Alessandra
being, you know, famous, a bit before the time I was born. I do not for the life of me
remember this woman’s name. I do, however, also remember my mother mentioning one
Alessandra Mussolini, the granddaughter of Il Duce. Besides being an actress, her career
also has involved topless modeling in the past, which includes playboy. She is also a
member of the European Parliament, and, like her granddaddy before her, a Fascist.
You could definitely say that I do not wish to live up to my first name as far as she
does. It sounds like she is a pretty busy lady.
When I look up the meaning of Alessandra online, I find that they relate the name
to Alexandra, which is the female version of Alexander, which means the ‘protector of
mankind’. I do quite like people, however, I do not like the name Alexandra. Nothing
against people with the name, but do you have any idea how many times a teacher has
mistaken my name for that one? Hello, there is no ‘x’ in Alessandra. Do you see an ‘x’?
No, you do not. Read your paper, for goodness sake. Aren’t teachers supposed to do well
in reading? I absolutely love my first name. Alessandra sounds like a little brook trickling
through the forest, like the brush of grass in the wind. It is a fabulous name, and I hate it
when people get it wrong.
In any case... after many, many cases of being called someone I am not, I have
resorted to, in high school, having my official name be Ali Fritz. However, I am
understandably terrified that someone will pronounce my name as you would pronounce
Muhammad Ali’s name. Ah, the terrors of a teenage life.
Pamela, my middle name, according to baby names dot come, means honey in
Greek, due to the suffix ‘mela’. However, searching deeper, I found something a little less
frolicking bunny-ful. Baby names likes to make things all happy and smiles, you see, so it’s
always good to check things out all over. Once again in Greek, pammelas means ‘all black, all dark, blackest, or darkest’. Talk about your angsty angst angst. I prefer to go
with something like, er, dark honey or something of the sort. You know, it looks kinda
odd, but it tastes pretty good if you try it out. Go figure.
I am not very interested in my last name. It is German, I know that. I also know
that it means peaceful ruler. On top of these facts, there is that oh so common phrase of
which we all have grown to love. Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking
about, because I know you do. If you don’t, you must be a tad on the Fritz, eh? Eh?
No. I would have to say, no eh. My eighth grade math teacher, Mr. Lang, he had a
nickname for every kid in his class. Mine was ‘on the Fritz’, because eighth grade was
undoubtedly the worst year of my entire life. Oh, Mr. Lang was a wonderful teacher and a
wonderful man, don’t get me wrong. Eighth grade turned out to be my serious angst
period, is all. I was not having a wild crazy party time, let’s just say that. Thus, I have
blocked out most of it from my memory, along with whatever attachment to my last name
I had before that time.
Hey, I’m going to be marrying some nifty guy and taking his last name eventually
anyway, if things go well, so it’s not like it matters much.
If I had been a boy, I would have been named Kirk Peter Fritz. Yet I was not born
a boy, so you do not have to go through the torment of learning those names. Lucky you.