1. The other day, I was walking through an art gallery, and I saw something peculiar. I stopped in front of one exhibit, and sneered at one of the hosts, "I suppose that is some kind of modern art?" "No, madam," replied the woman.
"I'm afraid it's a mirror."
2. There was me and my brother, in this cottage in the country, all on our own in the dead of night. My brother said, 'What was that noise? I thought I heard an owl.'
I said, 'You probably did. I stepped on the dog's paw.'
3. My mother said to me recently, 'I had this awful nightmare. There was your teacher being devoured by this foul-looking monster.'
And I said; 'Go on, what happened.'
My mother said, 'Well, I can't get it out of my head really. The ugly face, the foul fangs, the slimy dribble, the bloodshot eyes....
I replied, 'Yes, but what did the monster look like?'
4. My mother said to me, 'Your uncle's a miser you know. In all that cold weather last week, he just sat huddled over a candle.'
I said, 'Good Lord, Mother, they say it's going to be even colder this week.'
She said, 'Yes, well you never know. This week he may light it.'
5. I was staying with my uncle. One day he come in and said, 'One of the chickens has just died. We'll have roast chicken for dinner.' I said, 'Lovely.'
The next day he come in and said, 'One of the pigs has just died. We'll have roast pork for dinner.'
One of the ducks died the next day. He said, 'We'll have roast duck for dinner.'
I said, 'Lovely.'
Then the next day he came down all dressed in black.
He said, 'Your auntie's just died.'
I said, 'Don't worry. I'm not stopping for dinner.'
Which joke should be a part of my audition?