alessandra (blue_phoria) wrote,
alessandra
blue_phoria

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Tearing up my heart when I'm with you,

But when we are apart, I feel in two, and no matter what I do, I feel the pain... with... or without you...

Backstreet boys. Need I say more?

I feel pathetic right now. Utterly. And completely. Pathetic. I can't talk to anyone. If I try to talk to people, I end up either insulting them or making a fool out of myself.

I'm hurting. I'm trying not to show it. But I am. I need people. I need friends. It was barely enough having only Matt and Amy to talk to, now Matt's gone and I can't talk to Amy. I don't know why. I can't talk to Matt when he's online. The only thing I say to him is "Good night" whenever I have to go to bed. It's ever-so-clever, but I hate it. I hate missing people. I hate how I can't stop watching sappy movies because it feels like, for one short moment, I feel like I'm there, I'm in there with them. I hate how I can't stop thinking about love. I hate how I can't stop feeling SORRY for myself when everyone else's life is OBVIOUSLY so much worse than mine. I hate how every night I picture myself in someone's arms, or someone slipping their hand into mine, etc., etc., insert romantic gesture here, when I know that's not going to be happening for quite a while. People just don't fall for me. It's the way things work, I guess.

I've been thinking recently. Actually thinking, you know. And well, it's kind of messing me up, to tell you the truth. One moment, I feel uplifting and spiritual, the next, I feel depressing, the next, underappreciated, egotistical and downright snobby.

And this has been going on for a couple weeks, so... don't get any ideas.

Another thing?

I can't wait for school to start.

I'm serious. I want school to start. Maybe then I'll be able to forget all this stuff. Go homework crazy. Football game crazy. You name it.

I have a problem.

I love someone. He's got girls fawning all over him, but he won't have anything of that. He's smart, funny, helpful. But either he doesn't realize it, or he doesn't want me to notice. It's like he lives a thousand miles away, even though he's right here in front of me.

I have a problem. I don't act very nicely in front of this guy.

Because it's like he lives a thousand miles away, and I'll never be able to visit him where he is.

Besides, it's not like he feels the same.

It's like I have to push him away so I won't feel the sting, but because I'm pushing him away, I'm feeling the sting...

And now he's leaving.

So.

I have a problem.

Yep, sure do.

Oh, and I really really really want to meet up with Sarah sometime. But it's never a good time. ><; Feh.

On a lighter note, I took a picture of my mother on my brother's birthday party thing day, right? And I liked it. So I edited it a lot. Solarize, posterize, soften, blur, sharpen, contrast, smudge, colorize... that's pretty much it.

Hold on. Let me upload it for you so you can see.

All right, here you are.



Anyway, she liked it. A lot. So much she wants me to SIGN the one I printed out for her. I mean. It's not exactly artwork... really. Is it?

Well, it brightened her day, as it is. And I'm glad for that.

In any case, this entry had taken a nice half an hour.

Ooh! I talked to Kat on the phone today, that was fun. She called me. I accidentally hung up on her, though. I felt reeeaally bad about that. Still do. She's a really nice girl, that Kitten-Kat. ^^

It's always nice to give the bad news first. That way, you can lighten things up with the happy. Goood night.
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