alessandra (blue_phoria) wrote,

A school project I did for Lit class. I find it hilarious, occasionally. Warning, it's really long. My favorite bits are the interview with Fred Loppensworth and the sentence: "He turned around, pasted a grin on his face and greeted his wife as if he had just been playing checkers and had won by three thousand and five."

In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
In Omnia Paratus
Zark off, Zeus!

Last Monday, the 3rd of
January, at 5:15 in the evening, Hera
off helping to save some children,
Zeus was feeling particularly lonely.
He busied himself by watching his
favorite television program -- the
world. As he did, a certain lady who’s
name will not be submitted here for
reasons of the utmost secrecy caught
his eye. Some might say his eye is
quite easy to catch. Those who say
this usually die young for unknown
In any case, Zeus brought
this young woman up to Olympus and
wooed her, but as he did, Hera
returned home. Things were quieter
than usual, so she went to go check
up on her Zeus-y-pie. Lucky for The
King, he hadn’t gotten very far with
the young maiden, as she was afraid
of Hera’s wrath and was fine just
going throughout her day making
cheesecakes and planting daisies. As
she should. Cheesecake tastes
awesome. Those who think
differently are hindered somehow.
“I’m not surprised. I’m
just getting a little bit
tired of it is all -- and I’m
a goddess. So a little bit
tired is really quite tired.”
-- Goddess Hera
Of course, Hera leapt into
action: clearing her throat. Zeus
immediately returned the young
maiden to her home on reflex after
hearing the sound, which is saying
something in itself. He turned around,
pasted a grin on his face and greeted
his wife as if he had just been playing
checkers and had won by three
thousand and five.
Hera exploded at him. We’re
not exaggerating. She blew up in his
face, bits of her flying everywhere,
then appeared standing amongst the
inferno of her own burning flesh. The
goddess may have been mad. We’re
not quite sure. However, according to
our super secret salivating witnesses
on the scene, she seemed to be in
utter and complete contempt for
Zeus. She gave him a glare that
knocked him right off his royal feet,
and glided impetuously off to some
dark corner somewhere to relish in
her self-drowning infuriation. Since
Monday, we have been informed that
she, unlike many other times before,
is not going to act.
In fact, she’s going to stay
right where she is until Zeus
apologizes -- no more help for
mothers, no more help for heroes, no
more help for guys who seriously
could use some. This is a problem.
But Zeus is too stubborn to realize it,
and thinks eventually Hera will crack
under the pressure; that she is
naturally a complaisant Goddess and
the willingness to help will overpower
her. Either way things don’t bode well
for pregnant women, so the folk down
on the ground kind of just want things
to go back to the way they used to

Favorability: Only one person favored
Zeus over Hera on this subject, and that
person was Zeus.*

We took a poll concerning
this topic, and as the previous chart
suggests, 999 people thought Hera
was in the right in the respect that
Zeus shouldn’t have been doing what
he was doing, and one person, that
person being Zeus, thought The Man
did the right thing. If you’re asking
yourself why, here are a few figures:

• Zeus has cheated on Hera
with approximately
twenty-two times in recorded
history. That’s not even
counting all the stuff that’s
happened from way back
then up until now.

• With those 22 women, he
has produced approximately
35 children, once again, this
is not counting the
undoubtedly countless
amount of girls the guy’s
knocked up from then until

• As far has we know, Zeus
has never given Hera a true
apology, after all these
times. Remember now:
They’re married.

Do you think Zeus is a big
slimeball? Think Hera should ease up a
little, ‘cause being king of the world isn’t an
easy job? Have opinions of your own? Wish
to share them with us? Well that’s too bad,
we’re not taking submissions right now.
Check back later.

*There is a fine margin of error for this test. Fine compared to
really really big things. And we didn’t really care about the
whole gender issue in polling, either. So that may have played
a part.

All Eyes On You

Tartarus. Not exactly a very
welcoming place. The shrieks, cries,
caws, jimmies, harfensnars and
zeegors of this monster prison give
any visitor the willies. Some folks go
there just for the thrill of being scared
to completely literal death. But have
you ever thought about the guards?
We just realized they existed
recently, to tell you the truth. This is
the story of one brave man: Fred
Fred has been guarding
Tartarus for fifty-two years now,
breaking the record by, well, fifty-one
years and three hundred sixty-four
days. Not one man has been able to
stick it out, not until Fred. He’s not
really very tall, but he’s not short at
all. His appearance isn’t very macho,
however, no one could ever say he
looked weak. Face-wise he’s not
especially handsome, but -- Well, to
be quite Frank, or in this case, to be
quite Fred, the man is completely
and utterly average. And we got an
interview with him. Aren’t we lucky?!

GW: How were you, like, chosen to
be the guard of this, like, totally
majorly freaky prison thing, man?
FL: I’d appreciate it if you’d stop
talking like that, and I think [the gods]
picked my name out of a raffle.
Actually I’m not quite sure if [the
gods] were even involved. They were
probably off playing the flute and
drinking honey. Probably got some
wood nymph to do the dirty work for
GW: Right then. Well, would you
mind telling us what your inspiration
is for staying on the job this long?
FL: I’ve always wanted to be a star.
Lots of cool gods and heroes and
stuff got to become stars when they
died -- Orion, Perseus, Cepheus, that
bunch. I figured maybe if I stayed on
the job long enough someone would
recognize me for my noble deed. I
mean, there are plenty of stars out
there. I don’t see why one or two of
them couldn’t have my name on ‘em.
GW: We’ll put in a good word for you.
So, how do you stand all the noises
made by the monsters in Tartarus?
FL: Well, at first I tried earplugs. But
those didn’t work very well. So then I
tried blasting Rammstein through
my headphones, my boomboxes, my
speakerphones, my cat named Max,
basically anything that could make
noise. That drowned the monsters out
fine. I’m kind of deaf now, though,
that’s a minor drawback.
GW: So then how are you hearing us
talk right now?
FL: I’m reading your lips.
GW: Oh. Right. Anyway. Do the
appearance of the monsters freak
you out at all? We’ve heard stories of
folks clawing their eyes out with
pocket lint due to the vast, frightful,
overpowering ugliness of the beings
there. We see no lint in your eyes.
FL: Oh, the monsters are creepy all
right. You know that one folks are
always grossed out by the thought of,
the one with a thousand legs and a
thousand eyes?
GW: Yes, we know. We shudder at
the mere reference.
FL: That monster’s my personal
favorite. When I say favorite, I mean
I wish the thing never existed, I wish
it never existed fifty times in fact. I
never know when the thing is
sleeping or blinking; it’s always keep
opening and closing in disunity at
random intervals so there’s no way to
tell. At any rate, it’s always watching
me. I mean, I understand it has
nothing better to do, but seriously,
the thing bores into me, makes me
want to move to Jamaica and live as
a witch doctor. I’m absolutely terrified
of it. More frightened of it than a
kitten is frightened of a gigantic king
salmon with fire coming out of its
fins. That’s how frightened of that
monster I am.
GW: So how do you deal?
FL: Ares has been FedEx-ing me this
drink called “Courageous Tiger” that
makes me feel nonchalant and calm.
The stuff really works. But lately I’ve
kind of become addicted to it, I go
through a keg a day and it barely
does anything for me anymore. I’m
afraid Ares will get tired of me, stop
sending them, and I’ll lose my
courage. Then I’ll have no chance of
staying alive in there. I’ll probably die
of a heart attack, or maybe a stroke.
You never know, cancer could hit me
pretty hard, too...
GW: So then Courageous Tiger does
more than give you courage?
FL: I suppose so. I think it may give
me temporary immortality. That’s
probably why my red hair’s still so
pretty, and why I don’t look like I
need ironing.
GW: We were wondering about that.
FL: Yes, that’s one of the few
non-average things about me, I might
GW: Well, it’s been absolutely
splendid talking to you, thanks for
doing this for us.
FL: Oh no, thank you. And remember
to speak up about me the next time
you see a god. I’m really itching for a
GW: Will do. Oh, and Fred? One last
question. Now, this may seem silly,
but it’s absolutely not. What’s your
favorite color?
FL: That doesn’t seem silly at all.
And it’s aquatic blue.

Cupid Kills

Saturday, January 8th,
Cupid made a really bad mistake.
He shot the wrong person
with one of his arrows, and, in doing
so, killed her.
Cupid had been aiming for a
man standing next to the woman, but
due to a slight breeze and a recent
aromatherapy session, he missed his
target and instead, well, hit someone
else. Unfortunately, this woman was
about to cross the street, and was
waiting for the WALK signal. The first
person she saw after Cupid struck
her was across the street, and so
she, without looking both ways three
times and reciting a poem to herself,
hurriedly crossed into ongoing traffic
to meet her one true love. Sadly,
smack, that didn’t happen.
Remember, folks, poems save lives.
Now, as you can imagine,
this did not look good for Cupid’s
reputation -- neither did it for his
mother, Aphrodite. In fact, as soon as
she found out what Cupid had done,
she took away his arrows and send
him straight to bed without any
supper (which he didn’t really need
because he was a God, but whatever
man), grounding him for thirty days
and thirty nights. Ipso facto, no more
falling in love for the world for the
next month.
Most people would view this
as a negative thing, but not us here
at GODWATCH. We like to look on
the bright side of things. So, see
here. No new broken hearts, no new
Backstreet Boys songs, no new
reasons to think you’re really ugly.
We mean, at least now if no one likes
you can blame it on Cupid instead of
yourself. And hey, if your relationship
is going badly, at least now you have
no reason to make it worse. Plus! If
you get rid of that pesky cling-on, you
won’t have worry about falling in love
with another one -- you can just chill.
Write novels. Paint paintings. Do
what you want to do. No distractions.
Need I mention that this is
Finals month? Around this time,
people would normally be worrying
about who to take to winter formal,
how many new lip glosses they need
to buy, how much they’ve already lost
their pretty little minds, that sort of
thing. Some other people worry that
no one likes them because no one
asks them anywhere, but really
they’re all just oranges in a fruit salad
so it’s okay.
In any case, the thing is, all
this worrying would take place of
what people should really be worrying
about: the end of the semester finals.
But now, people get to worry about
finals all they want without the added
stress. Yay!

Proof Denies Faith?
It isn’t hard to see that belief
in the Greek and Roman gods has
been diminishing over the past few
thousand years. There is only a small
population who believe in part, and
even fewer who believe in full. This
has lead the gods to take a look at
those religions which seem to have
thrived, compare them to their own
way, and try to derive the reason for
the other religion’s long lasting.
There seem to be many
possible reasons. One happened to
be that their existence was
scientifically impossible, but science
never gurgled with glee at any other
religions, so that was a dud. Another
was the fact that no one had really
tried to spread the stuff when
Imperialism happened so Christianity
took over in a way. The one most
appealing that caught the god’s
interest was in is the quote: “Proof
denies faith, and without faith I am
nothing.” They think maybe they’ve
done too much interfering in the
human’s lives. I mean, come one.
Poseidon, rising up out of the ocean
and helping a boat get to land?
Hermes giving away winged
armaments whenever he pleases?
This is way too much proof if the
above quote is true. They’ve been
proving themselves so much people
must be saying to themselves, “eh,
that’s just something regular” or “feh,
that never happened, folks lie a lot to
make themselves sound cool”.
So, maybe that’s why there
have been much less local God
sightings. Maybe people need to
believe more and see less, that’s
what the Gods are thinking. We’re
trying to find out, but it’s really hard.
Stick with us, folks. Please?

Next Issue of
• Aphrodite wears an afro?
• Hermes teaches kids how to
fastwalk really, really fast
• Hephaestus tries out Platinum
• Athena stumped?
• And more! Be sure to order
your copy today! Tomorrow’s
fine with us, too!
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